dirty toilet that needs cleaning

The Single’s Guide

By The Cleaning Lady

I’m not going to lie to you. Cleaning your poopy toilet sucks. There’s just no way around it. And if you were never taught how to clean a toilet, how are you going to learn? That is why I’m here.

It didn’t used to be like that though. Long ago, all you did was dig a hole far from the house and put a little makeshift building around it. And poop to your little heart’s content. Then when the hole filled up, you dug another one. Easy Peezy. Then, someone (probably a guy. Oh yeah it was. You can read about it here) decided they didn’t want to sit their butt down in the freezing cold outside waiting to poop. So they brought the poop room inside and created the porcelain throne we know today. Now you can do all your business in the same room you shower. Gawllleeeyyy!

So now you have to clean the thing, or you don’t. It’s really a personal preference. But I will say the cleanliness of your toilet is a direct reflection of you as a person in societal standards. Not to mention all the hygienic implications of your festering crap hole. That’s why my Bachelor client hired me.

So guys, and gals, if you want to keep that 2 am booty call for more than 5 minutes, you got to learn how to clean your nasty poop toilet.


First you’re going to need a toilet brush. This is a long stick with bristles on the end. They’ve gotten pretty fancy over the years but anything basic will do. Something like this HERE.

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Paper towels are a must. I have some eco-friendly friends that clean their toilets with rags and then wash them. To each their own, but I’m not picking up anything that resembles a towel in their house.

A good cleaner with bleach or some kind of bio-goodness disinfectant spray is a must. When you have your head bowl-deep in the porcelain god at 4 am after said 2 am booty call, you’re going to thank me. Clorox makes a good one HERE.

Gloves are optional. Hey, it’s your poop. You use your hand to wipe it, why not clean it off the toilet too.

Masks are optional too, but hey, we’re all wearing them now so why not. Cleaning a toilet can be a messy affair. Nothing like a splash of nasty poop toilet juice to the mouth to ruin your dinner plans.


  1. After assembling all your supplies in your nasty poop room and putting on your optional mask and gloves, take the disinfectant and spray the whole toilet from top to bottom. Be sure to lift up the lid and seat. That’s where the really nasty stuff is.
  2. Take your toilet brush and stick it in the toilet bowl and scrub the sides and under the lip where the water comes down. Be sure to get all the poop and skid marks that stick to the bowl. You might have to scrub pretty hard. Poop on porcelain is the hardest substance known to man. You could use it to cut glass and we wouldn’t need diamonds, except for the Kardashians.
  3. Wipe the rim and underside of the toilet seat with your paper towels. Feel free to puke in your mouth a little.
  4. Put the toilet seat down and wipe it. Also, wipe the backside of the seat where it hooks to the toilet bowl. This is where all your late night perfect aim goes. Puke a little again.
  5. Wipe the tank and lid. Be sure to use fresh paper towels for this, unless you want poop juice where your booty magazines go.
  6. PRO TIP–get on your hands and knees and wipe the underside of the bowl and where it hooks to the floor. Notice the brown gook that has accumulated in puddles by the bolts. That’s overspray too. Yes, you are a gross human being.

So that’s about it. Tune in next week for the Single’s Guide To Cleaning Your Poop Drawers. In the meantime, check out this great infographic by our friends at Quill.com.