picture of just red shoes on person's foot on hardwood floor

I hate cleaning floors. Out of all my housecleaning duties it is my least favorite, mainly because it takes the most time and most of my clients are completely nuts about them. And rightly so, for the most part. If a house is completely clean, but the floors are dirty, the house will still appear messy. Inversely, sweeping and vacuuming the floors is the fastest way to make a house appear clean. Provided my elderly clients make it to the bathroom in time instead of me breaking out the scraper because that brown trail has already dried on the floor.

I have a newer client who is a self-proclaimed “crazy person” about the floors. What constitutes a crazy floor person, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. After my four hours of regular cleaning, I have to move all the furniture in the bedrooms to one side of the room and vacuum the carpets, then do the same for the other side of the room. I use a hand-held carpet cleaner for any stains, some of which mysteriously appear under the bed. Where do they come from? Don’t wanna know. In the areas of the house with hardwood, I move the furniture in the same way, sweep, then mop with Murphy’s Oil Soap, then go over them again with a steamer mop. I often wonder if they are literally eating off the floors once I leave.

couple eating food of floor with forks

I usually don’t bring my own mop and vacuum because they take up too much space in my car, and if you can afford my services, you can afford your own mop, broom and vacuum. That being said, the equipment I am sometimes subjected to is subpar at best. FYI: Your Halloween witch’s prop does not count as a real broom and I can not vacuum your whole house with a Dust Buster.

My hoarder client (read more about her here) insisted I use her old Kirby vacuum. This thing was made before I was born and weighs more than a small block engine. I often fantasized about dismembering it with a sledge hammer every time I had to lug it up her two flights of stairs. But I will say, no matter how much I hated it, that thing could suck a hole straight through the floor.

old kirby vacuum cleaner
This thing wants to eat you

Midge (who you can read more about here) hasn’t bought a new mop in ten years, no matter how much I insist. It’s one of those yarn mops and no amount of bleaching will kill what lives inside it. It could probably mop the floor itself.

tan puli dog walking in green field
Midge’s mop

In closing, if you want to make your cleaning lady happy, buy a Roomba.