A lot has certainly happened since the last time I posted. The world, it seems, is slowly grinding to a halt. My city has just closed the parks and beaches. Restaurants are only open for takeout and grocery stores are changing hours and procedures.
Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze with keyboard cowboys, who, without having their bosses looking over their shoulders anymore, are verbally assaulting anyone for anything. Thank god for all the funny memes.
My clients are all alright, but coping in different ways. Ironsides’ nursing home has closed to all visitors so I won’t be able to go there for the foreseeable future. This did not sit very well with her and she actually wanted me to sneak in wearing a Lysol wipe suit while she created a “diversion” at the front door. I had to explain to her that if I was in jail, I wouldn’t be able to see her for even longer.
The Bachelor is freaking out a little. His life revolves around the gym, which is closed. He has reverted to setting up his blow-up dolls on his home exercise equipment and yelling derogatory words of encouragement at them. He has gone so far as to tape balloon “muscles” to their arms and legs, which will surely grow after each “session.” Disturbingly brilliant, I thought. I’m going to have to keep an eye on him. Heaven forbid his balloon people pop.
Midge knows what’s going on but doesn’t really get it, I don’t think. I asked her if she was prepared and had supplies, and she showed me her box of last year’s hurricane supplies which consist of a bottle of water and three cans of Spaghettios. She also said that she was going to wash her towels more regularly. So I had to sit her down and get all Dr. Oz on her about how viruses work. After I was done, she agreed to get another can of Spaghettios and wash her towels every day. Ugh.
On the home front, things are getting a little strange. I was watching a movie last night and two people shook hands. My first instinct was, “Oh my god! You’re spreading it!” Every time I see toilet paper on TV I wonder if they are hoarding it. I can only imagine the movies and TV shows in the future. A horror movie will now consist of a group of ten or more people congregating, with the final scene being two of them going in for a hug…fade to a roll of toilet paper being wrapped around a tree…cue credits.