Happy Halloween! Um, I Think You’re Doing It Wrong

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I used to spend weeks decorating. Carving pumpkins, putting little tombstones in the yard, even setting up fake skeletons on the porch with dusters in hand, cleaning all the fake cobwebs.

Nowadays I spend most of my time helping my clients decorate. Granted they don’t have the same vision as me. Each one has their own unique way of doing Halloween, and rightfully so. They’re paying me so I will indulge their own distinct concepts. Even if they are a bit…peculiar.

We’ll start with The Greys. They have a pretty lavish Halloween bash every year. Think Eyes Wide Shut meets Martha Stewart. I spent half the day last week setting black candles in the candelabras and polishing the whips, and the other half filling gift bags with luxury bath bombs and assorted chocolates.

I don’t write about the Bird Lady too often, just for the simple fact that all I do at her house is pack one holiday in the attic while unpacking another. Halloween only takes four tubs of decorations thankfully, compared to the eight for Easter and the twelve for Christmas. Unfortunately, the things I pull out of those tubs give me nightmares for weeks. She’s old school Halloween to the point I think some of her skeletons are real and I don’t want to know what those symbols mean.

What is even going on here?

The Bachelor puts a scary mask on his blow up doll and puts it in the hall of his apartment building. I think there might be some laws about that. And Midge decided to buy a pumpkin this year. I guess she tried to carve it but gave up, cause when I arrived last week, there was just a knife sticking out of the top.

But it’s all good. The Artist is going to a Halloween party tonight, and she’s paying me a hundred extra dollars today to glues leaves and moss to her body until she becomes the woods nymph she’s always dreamed she was. I don’t have the heart to tell her if it rains, she’s going to look like the Swamp Thing.

So Halloween is a great holiday. Whatever you do to celebrate, at least you tried.

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