Cleaning houses is hard enough. It’s even harder when you have a house full of people you have to dodge to get the job done. Some of my clients are notorious for having full houses during my scheduled cleaning days. Hey, it’s their house, I get it. But it would be nice to give the cleaning lady a heads up.
Last week the bachelor (read more about him here) hosted a bachelor party for his brother (go figure). Little did I know, nor did he inform me, that my cleaning day fell on the day after said party. This wouldn’t have been such a shock, considering I’ve cleaned up after his parties before. But now add 6 passed out jocks strewn across the floor like fallen, crooked branches, and one that didn’t get the sleep memo. I think he was as startled as me when I opened the front door to him staggering through “Welcome to the Jungle” full blast. Welcome indeed.
Being the consummate professional I am, and wanting to get paid, I decided to go to work. I turned down the music and introduced myself to Axl. “Iiiiiuunnnaaagaaaamaaa,” he said in slurry caveman speak and tried to shake my hand. Then he fell on his face. I picked him up, sat him on the couch and told him to stay. Then I turned the radio on an easy listening station, hoping to coax him to sleep. After a few disapproving grunts, he quieted down. The whole apartment sounded like a cacophony of testosterone in slumber. It was almost soothing actually.
I made my way to the kitchen through a sea of beer cans and meatheads and started my routine. There wasn’t an ounce of space on the counter that didn’t have a liquor bottle, shot glass, or beer can on it. The pizza boxes looked like they were playing Frisbee with them. Luckily, I always bring heavy duty trash bags when cleaning the bachelor’s house. Intuition, I guess.
After I cleaned the kitchen I peaked in to check on Axl. He was sobbing on the couch to the Tracy Chapman song on the radio. Uh oh. I turned it back on the rock station and he immediately perked up. I gave him a trash bag and pointed at the beer cans on the coffee table. He nodded and grunted in understanding. He now has a purpose. It only took him an hour and a half to pick them all up, falling and stumbling periodically.
The bathroom was a challenge considering there was a guy passed out on the floor hugging the toilet. But I worked around him. I didn’t bother going into the Bachelor’s room because my eyes couldn’t take what horrors I might see and can’t unsee. I’m sure he’ll thank me later. I got everything up off the living room floor with the exception of the meatheads I couldn’t move. So I swiffered around them. I rewarded Axel for his lethargic work with a piece of pizza I found on the floor. He shoveled it into his mouth, grinning the whole time. I made sure he ate the whole thing before I put a blanket over him and motioned to him that it’s sleepy time. He laid down, still grinning, with little pieces of pepperoni on his face. Naturally, I cleaned them off.
I looked around at my handy work and nodded in satisfaction. I imagined each of these men, waking up in four or five hours time, looking around, thinking how well they all cleaned up after themselves. Sleep well my little trainwrecks. The Cleaning Lady was here.