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The First Day Back

The First Day Back

I was sitting and contemplating the other day about how I haven’t cleaned a house, except for my own, in a month and a half. What I’m doing for Midge doesn’t really constitute as physical labor but more of mental gymnastics.

What would it be like to go back to my full schedule again? Will I remember how? Will I have the stamina I did to clean two houses a day again? (She says as she puts down her third doughnut).

Then I got to thinking about all those office people on their first day back after two, maybe three months of quarantine. Mind you, I have a degree (and not just a doctorate in cleaning) and did my time in cube city for quite a few years. I do not miss a thing about it but would love to be a fly on the wall as people stroll back into their office buildings. Although it would be my luck someone would have a fly swatter. Truth be told, it might just get a little weird in corporate-land.

8:45 A.M.– XYZ Company Office — Joanne jogs up in her spandex pants and abs of steal. She was semi-athletic before, arranging company tennis matches and golf outings, but now she resembles more of a UFC fighter than an accountant. Those numbers are certainly going to get CRUNCHED.

10:35 A.M. (2 hours later) — Ted is the next to arrive. He is the IT guy and judging from his four inch beard and burrito stains on his Star Trek t-shirt, he’s been playing a video game for 2 months straight. “IT” now means “It’s Tough.”

V.P. Dan strolls in behind him. The buttons on his suit jacket are straining under the weight of Netflix streaming and take-out. I wouldn’t stand too close for fear one of those buttons goes flying like a bullet.

Donna follows, wobbling on her high heals that she hasn’t had to wear for months and it looks like Tammy Faye Bakker helped her with her make up.

11:00 A.M. Amy twirls in in a flowing tapestry and Birkenstocks. Her hair is a beaded rat’s nest and she is jingling with all the bells and crystals around her neck. She has gone full-blown hippie. The HR department will now mandate a padded decompression room complete with incense, lava lamps, and John Lennon, Denver or Mayer music.

Karen in PR has traded in her pantsuit for a studded leather jacket, combat boots and a t-shirt that says “Anti-Establishment” written in Sharpie. Wouldn’t you know it but “Establishment” is spelled wrong. Can’t wait to see those ad campaigns.

Rich in Legal is donning a full blown hazmat suit, rubber gloves and gas mask. He’s going to petition Amy in HR to make this the company uniform. He’s also making a documentary about the unsafe conditions of the office and returning to work in general.

And poor Tom in sales has forgot to put pants on because he hasn’t worn them in so long. Thankfully his boxer shorts provide good coverage.

So shine on you crazy diamonds! The world is a different place, and so are you. Just remember how you lost yourself, and found yourself, during “The Great Pause.”

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